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Bryan Alvarez
' בריאן הגבר גבר (aka Reverend Bryan Napoleon Dickson Alvarez III)(born June 12, 1975 in Bothell, Washington, died June 9, 2010 in San Francisco) (also known as 'The Mexicunt', or 'Mexican't') was a Queef Nugget half-breed professional wrestler and the editor of ''Figure Four Weekly, a "newsletter" that has covered professional wrestling and Mixed Martial Arts (but they're the same thing besides the miniscule detail that one is fake) since 1995. Alvarez credited his pro wrestling training to Buddy Wayne, and was accused of training, and sexualy molesting, Ring of Honor (ROH) spot monkey Jack Evans. Currently dating A GIRL WHO IS CERTAIN TO BECOME THE NEW HER''' http://www.itapboys.com/about-me STALKERS REJOICE June 2005, Alvarez launched Figure Four Weekly Online . F4W is a subscription website that was run primarily by himself, his brother-in-law Tony Leder, and fellow former professional wrestler, Vince Verhei(who isn't really notable). Two or three or four or five times a week (depending on how much stuff there is), Alvarez and Verhei produced their own Internet talk show, The Bryan and Vinny Show, where the couple reviewed professional wrestling and mixed martial arts (MMA) programming, in an observational comedic style similar to that found in the newsletter. The Monday night edition of The Bryan and Vinny Show is free for anyone to download, while other editions done during the week are available only to subscribers of the web site. On February 24, 2009, Bryan announced that he was pregnant. His baby was due in October 2009. The father is unknown. On June 30, 2008, Bryan Alvarez was runoff from The Board by Prince Chibe, due to his pussyish ways. On the Bryan & Vinny Show, he claimed The Board was filled with meanie-heads. Yelled, "I'm in charge!" into the mirror every morning. Berates children under the guise of teaching them gymnastics (he also maintains this job both because he needs the insurance coverage and too look good for tax purposes). Spends incredible amounts of money (rumored to already total over $3000 in audio equipment) to fix things on his website that no one complains about, but yet ignores legitimate complaints from readers of the site. The latest addition being some "mic thing" that is actually a pretty obvious attempt to not have to look at Vinny's face during B&V shows. Still resides in a tree house in Bothell. Alvarez also hosts Figure Four Daily, a talk show where he interviews guests related to professional wrestling or MMA. Figure Four Daily airs new episodes every Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Occasionally, if there is breaking news, a new Figure Four Daily episode may air on Monday or Tuesday. Selected episodes are free, while the others are available only to subscribers. Other features found on Figure Four Online include access to a growing archive of past Figure Four Weekly newsletters, and THE BOARD~!, a philanthropic project for Alvarez where he babysits Western European youngsters. Bryan is infamous for taking The Board way too seriously.... It's quite pathetic, actually. Notably found on Figure Four Online, thanks to a letter-writing campaign by Twan, are online copies of Meltzer's Wrestling Observer Newsletter. Alvarez's book Death of WCW, which he co-wrote with R.D. Reynolds, was released in 2005. He is currently working on a solo project entitled, "Death of TNA." Alvarez is an avid Civil War reenactor. Alvarez worships Ernesto "Che" Gueverra, giving him great credibility amongst upper middle class hippies and great disdain amongst the people who actually lived in Cuba when this genocidal coward was around. Alvarez harbors some belief that 09.11 was a conspiracy, but will not really go into detail. Alvarez also serves as the co-host of the Wrestling Observer Live radio program parody with Dave Meltzer, which airs on the Sports Byline Radio Network and Sirius Satellite Radio on Sunday nights at 8:00 p.m. Eastern time. Alvarez currently resides in a wrestling bubble where DCW is the greatest wrestling promotion ever. He is a columnist for tedious and unpopular British wrestling and MMA magazine Fighting Spirit where he recycles three-month old rants for its dozen readers, as well as an online correspondent for The Fight Network. He once owned a rabbit named Bally. Has an affinity for crazy Asian chicks. Hopes to own a golden boat tied to a palm tree in his front yard. Bryan is a huge fan of the TNA "Hogan" Era, & loves everything the Hulkster does for TNA. (Secretly Bryan is a Hulkamaniac) Personal Life Bryan recently done got hitched to Vince Verhei on July 31, 2010. Their wedding song was "Wild and Young" by American Bang Awful Match A fund raiser was recently held in which Bryan stated that if it reached $400, he would do one more match with friend and former professional wrestler Vince Verhei. He also stated that anyone who donated at least $25 would get a special DVD. The amount was surpassed and in fact went over $3000, with donation amounts ranging from one cent to $250, and the scheduled match was posted on Youtube on September 17, 2006. Several promotional videos were released on Youtube to promote the match: * Buddy Wayne trains Bryan and Vinny released on August 18, 2006. * All Access: Bryan Alvarez, a look into Bryan's training regimen, released on August 24, 2006. * All Access: Vince Verhei, a companion piece on Vince, released on August 28, 2006. * Buddy Wayne trains Bryan and Vinny II released on September 1, 2006. * Bryan vs. Vinny: Contract Signing released on September 8, 2006. * Bryan vs. Vinny: Weigh-In released on September 15, 2006. The matches on the card are: * Undercard match: Aaron the ring crew guy vs. The Apostle Paul * Main event match: The Battel of the Empire~! These videos, along with outtakes and commentary, are available on DVD. The DVD was released on December 8, 2006 http://www.f4wonline.com/content/view/2716/1/. Feud With "Sweet & Sour" Larry Sweeney On March 17, 2007, Alvarez batteld Larry Sweeney to a No-Contest for Sweeney's ICW-ICWA Tex-Arkana Television Championship, as Sweeney's Tex-Arkana referee determined Sweeney the winner even though Bryan pinned Sweeney. Alvarez agreed to a challenge made on his internet radio show once Sweeney agreed to pay $7,500 to Alvarez. The title match was part of the inaugural Fight Sports Midwest card in Portage, Indiana. Sweeney and Alvarez's promos are available on YouTube. Sweeney and Alvarez's match is available on Smart Mark Video...K5! (and PWT. Sssssshh) Alvarez recently announced that a rematch with Larry Sweeney will take place on November 18, 2007 in The ECW Arena. This will finally prove how fucking hardcore this Mexicunt is. Alvarez has claimed that after beating Sweeney for his Tex-Arkana Television Championship, he will rename it as the Frank A. Gotch Memorial Collar & Elbow Pacific Coast Championship. Alvarez defeated Sweeney on November 18, 2007 after some chicanery and a super kick. Larry Sweeney's hand-picked Tex-Arkana referee guy turned on the champion, refusing to count a pinfall after Sweeney hit a big elbow drop. Sweeney argued with the referee and was distracted enough for the Mexican to recover and deliver a super kick, leading to the pinfall and the crowning of a new ICW-ICWA Tex-Arkana Television champion. On April 25, 2008, Alvarez finally accepted the numerous challenges by Sweeney for a rematch and put his title on the line in a four-way elimination match that also included Delirious and Ruckus. The match came down to the swimsuit-wearing Alvarez finally facing his arch-nemesis, Sweeney, one-on-one and with no biased referees. Sweeney pinned Alvarez with the big elbow and regained his ICW-ICWA Tex-Arkana Television Title for the 2,347th time. Some of the shittiest matches of ALL TIME. NO BUYS~! Nancy Grace During the Summer of Benoit, Alvarez was HUMBLED by Fit Finlay on Nancy Grace on CNN. The Nancy Grace Show also featured The Woman With The Mouth and the babbling idiot. Rap Career Before extolling the virtues of Ric Flair and Derby City Wrestling on weekly podcasts Alvarez had a rap career as MC Super Chico, working with such Seattle notables as Kid Sensation and Sir Mix-A-Lot. * Bryan raps about his financial prowess * Another fine example of Alvarez rapping Hilarious Moments On August 31st, 2007, Bryan made the following post on the board, which was hilarious: "I am ready to either stop doing Dave shows, lay down the ban hammer, or stop coming on the Board entirely. I have had to work around Dave's schedule every other week for over two straight years now, and for fuck's sake that's not easy, especially on weeks like this. It's not his fault. It's the way life is. I LONG AGO came to accept it. The fact that Dave has now done approximately 110 shows makes it bafflingly preposterous that I STILL GET COMPLAINTS, EVERY WEEK, WHETHER IT IS ON TIME OR NOT. I shouldn't have to explain in-depth every time what this week's issue is. It seems to me, and maybe I'm wrong, that everyone here is smart enough to realize, after 110 weeks, THAT SOMETHING HAPPENS NEARLY EVERY WEEK. Yet every week, whatever the issue is, IT IS BRAND NEW, AND REASON FOR PANIC OR ANGER. I seriously have no idea why I deal with it sometimes. I hate this more than almost anything else associated with this site, and that upsets me greatly because I love doing Dave shows, and yet week after week I have to deal with bullshit because of them." Meanwhile. Dave Meltzer sits at home reading this and shaking his head in pity. FIX YOUR WEBSITE FAGGOT Bryanisms "WHY?~!" "Oh really FOOL?" "We are back on Figure Four Daily and we are joined by....." "So check....THAT out~!" "Here's a question for you." "This person wants to know..." "Your thoughts in general?" "Because you SEE..." "I mentioned this on the Dave show, but..." "It's as simple as two men who want to FIIGHTEEH" "NO BUYS" "http://www.angrymarks.com/music/figurefour/bryan-Suck%20My%20Dick.mp3 WWE Dotcom can suck my dick!!" "Blow me" towards Vinny "Suck me" towards Vinny "...Unfathomable!" " HUMBLED!" "This match occurred." "... and that sort of thing." "... and things of that nature." "That was quite the deal, there." "...this, that, and the other thing." "Oh yes!" (also a Vinnyism) "EPIC FAIL" "Pretty good match, nothing spectacular or anything like that" "You may get to put your mouth by the BIG ONE" "I'm doing preeeetty good" "Question?" "DUDE. LISTEN. I HAVE A THEORY. ON DRINKING" "The best thing I've seen all time all my life" "Sure.." "Seriously now." "Say no to Drugs!!!" "He/She then proceeded to..." "I'M IN CHARGE!" "Sucks to be Him/Her/Them." "SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAMN LUCK!" "I Will Never Return To The Board" "Real Deal" "4HM MotherFucker" "I would quite like to go to a house in Brisbane one day" "First day of wrestling school bad" "Absolutely Gobsmacked" "Truffles!" "Can you imagine?" "I mean HELLOOO?" "You're on the air, what's up?" "A seven? WOW" Disturbing Facts * Was inspired to get into writing by doing unsolicited scripts for favorite television program Forever Knight. * Relationship with HER was ruined when they were swinging so hard they forgot to lock the door. Then in walked her daddy, who stood Six foot Four, who informed him "You ain't gonna swing with my daughter no more." * If it was up to Alvarez, all pro wrestling matches would consist of freeze tag and tickle spots. * Became one of the boys by being their backstage peyote hook up. * When upset by an episode of Impact, his voice can reach a higher level than Mariah Carey's. * Knows who killed Biggie Smalls, but can't violate his sources. * Bryan Alvarez is a half-Mexican. He is okay, better than nothing. * Has never seen a real sport beyond professional wrestling, MMA, and celebrity boxing. * Reguarly kidnaps children from Seattle-area malls to write F4W issues against their will. If you turn up your speakers loud enough during audio shows, you can hear them weeping in the background. * Loves getting sushed by Dave Meltzer, because it leads to great make up post-show phone sex. * Pays Vinny one penny over minimum wage and makes him thank him for it every payday. * Bryan's "Granny" is not his real grandmother. His shoot grandmother thinks he's a gay fag and won't acknowledge his existence. * Think long and hard on why a grown man has worked with children's gymnastics his whole life. Yeah. * Likes driving to Seattle's red light district, working prostitutes into thinking he's buying their services, only to swerve them in the end by exclaiming "NO BUYS!" and speeding off. The girls have asked their pimp to "Stick that high-pitched Spic" for bothering them. * Bryan's mother is repeatedly mistaken in public for Bertha Faye. His father is told he looks a little like Herve Villechaize "a little around the eyes.": * Paid Kayfabe Commentaries to digitally edit in Jamie Dundee using racial slurs because a vendetta with him over a disputed game of Canasta backstage at an indy event. * If Bryan's voice grows any higher, he can begin a musical group called "Alvarez & The Chipmunks." * Bryan is Shark Boy on nights the real Shark Boy needs off. * Alvarez reportedly fired Dr. Keith Lipinski for not naming his baby Chico. * Doesn't need to find a replacement for "HER", because his gymnastics training has made him limber enough to blow himself. * Bryan is comfortable enough with his sexuality to wear his free "I Tap Boys" gear in public. * First came up with his "this match died a death" catchphrase from writing up The Blue Blazer versus The Godfather Over The Edge '99 match and it caught on. * Alvarez is personally responsible for eYada going under. He told guests Jimmy Snuka and the Iron Sheik it was o.k. to smoke their "hard medicine" in the studio. Unfortunately Cops: The Audio Show was filming in the room next door. * Nobody is able to tell Bryan MMA isn't professional wrestling and he sounds like a total dumbass suggesting pro wrestling scenarios the UFC should be doing. * Is perpetually wrong. * Alvarez was a member of Marky Mark's Funky Bunch until 1993. Parlayed said job into being Snow's roadie for 6 months. Actually got interested in professional wrestling when the tour bus of Snow happened to be at the same truck stop The Lex Express was re-fueling at. He was inspired as an American by the news a roided up no-talent bodyslammed a morbidly obese fake Japanese man. Big Foot controversy On july 20th 2012, on a hunt with his special guy pals in the woods, Alvarez disappeared and was not seen till the next day. He returned claiming he was abducted and sexually assaulted, by Big foot. On july 22nd 2012 Alvarez announced via twitter, that he will be relelasing a new book, about his experience with Big Foot. The book will be a follow up, to his previous best seller The Death of WCW, and will be titled sex with sasquach. External links *Figure Four Weekly Online *Sports Byline USA *Official Figure 4 Weekly My Space Category:1975 births Category:Living People Category:American journalists Category:American professional wrestlers Category:Washington athletes Category:Washington writers Category:4HM Category:Wrestling Observer Category:Half-breeds Category:Bottoms Category:WCW Category:YouTube Shooters Category:Worse than Michael Jackson Category:Pages soon to be vandalized Category:Vince Russo haters Category:People who can dance all night long Category:People who know what Bryan's cum tastes like Category:People Who are Actually Worse Than Josh Matthews Category:Douche Category:Never drew a dime Category:People who SUCK Category:NO BUYS Category:No Buys~! 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